Monday, April 21, 2014

I upgraded to 50mbps blast, its been... A total FUCKIN blast!!!

So let me start by saying to the audience that I'm sorry to leave you for such long periods of time, I need to post more, but I'm thrilled to get back in touch with you on this day of 4/21/14, but obviously the topic is painful. So just last week my 25mbps service went all the way up to 75$ a month, that's about 45$ more than century link currently offers for a competitive speed and less retarded customer service! So, as any comcast customer has to do all the time for the rest of their time using comcast services, I threatened to cancel. Then they offered me 50mbps for 55$ a month, that's a solid speed and a half decent price, good thing I had to threaten them first to get it! It's like threatening your spouse to take you on vacation or do some random expensive thing (money or emotional) for them, or its divorce time, that's always rewarding right? Feels good right? You know what's even better? The 50$ price they give new customers, but screw me I'm just a loyal customer, why would I want that, please take my money comcast, because I love and adore you! But it gets better, bare with me.

Let's begin through the events I have experienced over the weekend. So I buy a docsis 3.0 modem (which in layman terms allows me to get download speeds in the 250mbps range according to Wikipedia to my knowledge, plenty of speed), I then spend the next 2 hours chatting with comcast technicians to 1. get the modem added to my account, and 2. getting a comcast sales rep to upgrade me to blast.  So the sales rep told me that my service has now been upgraded to blast (50mbps), and that the speed would kick in after 1 hour. Great!

So I wait an hour and a half just to be safe, and come to my desktop excitedly to see if the speeds would be in the range of 50mbps. I tried speakeasy and comcast speed tests, and both showed absolutely no difference in my speed. So I have a beer, and relax for a few hours (actually a took a nap, but whatever man). So now its 4 hours later, and I try again, giving comcast (what?), the benefit of the doubt. Sure enough, the speeds are the same as before, my comcastic , xfinity,  shitfinity whatever the fuck experience has not improved. So what do I do?

Naturally I get back on comcast chat, giving the customer service person my router model, serial number, make, and mac address and account information. The rep can't do anything, and directs me to another sales rep I got the pleasure of chatting with 45 minutes later! The new sales rep asks me all the same information again, which they also ask you when you start the comcast chat, wow comcast how efficient of you, that must make most customers really happy to provide information 3 fucking times! The rep informs me that I don't have blast internet, that basically the transaction that took place earlier in the day never happened, even though I gave him the confirmation number from that transaction and the previous sales rep's name, uh oh. Now I'm seething in my chair, the fury of hells fire burning in my eyes and my asshole as I want to slap this comcast SOB.  But wait, its gets better.

Whets next you ask, there's more? LOL. So this new rep is quite happy to add blast to my account, great! And he even tells me that the previous rep actually added blast to my account (what?). So I already had it I ask? Yes he replies and apologizes that they updated my billing info to get the new amount of cash from me each month, but neglected to actually update my services so I could actually recieve the internet speeds I'm paying for, brilliant! So what do you think happens next? You probably assume that he makes it correct and saves face for the company don't  you? LOL.

Next the sales rep proceeds to tell me that he has "Great Offers" for me, oh boy aren't you excited too, I'm whistling zippy-doo-da in my asshole as I write this. So please note that he has already told me that he has updated the settings of my account, therefore I already have blast! So you know what his "Great Offer" was? It was 3 months of blast for free! That's great right? But the catch is, I'm already paying 5$ a month on top of 50$ to get blast internet, while getting 3 months free and then paying 10$ a month is the deal I get? I then proceed to walk down the street until I find a competent looking 2 year old to do the math for me, as the young kid shits his pants he informs me that the "Great Offer" is a worse offer than what I originally had, so naturally I rush back home and tell the sales rep that his deal sounds pretty awesome, if a 2 year old wasn't so smart..

Here is an actual snippet of our conversation (the names have been replaced to protect the innocent);

Comcast Rep: Would you like to make changes in your account.
Me: for a worse price?
Me: so I can have 3 months free?
Me: am I mistaken here?
Comcast Rep: Yes, you'll get Blast speed tier free for three months.
Comcast Rep: If you don't want to make changes in your account then no issues with that.
Me: you are offering 3 months of free blast, and then 10$ a month? and now it's 5$ a month correct?
Comcast Rep: Yes, you are correct.
Me: if I wasn't educated that would sound great!

That 2 year old advised me right! He now does my taxes too as well as gives me advice on my golf swing. So I reject his "Great Offer" and keep the offer that I was already paying for but not getting before! Sweet man! He now assures me that I will have 50mbps speeds in the next 45 minutes, that's faster than the last sales rep said! Also keep note that all the reps on comcast love to use the terminology of "Don't worry, Rest assured", while I like to use the terminology of "go fuck yourself", and "bullshit". So within the hour, my tests showed 57mbps download and 11mbps upload, sweet! Book closed.

So you think the story if over don't you? LOL. So being a non trusting comcast user, today, the very next day mind you, I do another round of speed tests with the same speakeasy and comcast speed tests. Do I get the same speeds as the day before? NOPE. I get 34mbps download and 5mbps upload! Wow, barely half of what I'm paying for. So now I must contact them again, fuck my life, let me take that back, life is a blessing, fuck you comcast!

So again I reach comcast customer service online, and this time it takes over 2 hours. The service rep again asks me for all my information, my modem's make, serial, mac address, my account number, my phone number, (she asks me for that again 3 more times, fuck  yeah!). So she starts asking me what I've done to try to troubleshoot the issue, I respond "I got on comcast customer support chat, and I'm now talking to you, that's what I did". She proceeds to have me restart my modem, no luck, unplug from the wall and replug in, no luck, reset the modem, no luck, restart my computer, no luck, etc, etc, etc. She asks me to run a speed test after every dumb shit suggestion she has suggested. Lastly she asks me to check if my cords are plugged in all the way, you know what I say, if my cords weren't completely plugged in, there would be no connection. NO CONNECTION AT ALL. 

Now after 2 hours it seems finally apparent to her that my issue is not  with plugging things in, restarting nonsense, cache, or any other out of the book bullshit excuse comcast has, and I'm not buying a single excuse, NOT ONE. Now she proceeds to ask me when a technician can come to my house and check it, after about 20 minutes we decide on a day, sweet!. Can some schmuck plug shit in better than me, maybe, but let me go ask the 2 year old if he thinks that's the case, he's my personal mentor and advisor on all matters comcast, and he's always right. In the meantime, 

So what can we take away from this? Horrible customer service that makes me so mad I made this fucking blog?  Can we take away that it takes nearly an entire days work to get what you pay for from comcast if they can even fix their shit? Can we take away they attempt to give you "Great Offers" that are actually more expensive because they think you are that f'ng stupid?

Cheers and Goodnight.